Weevilstepmother

1. Make sure you come down for breakfast just when everyone else does. That way you get to know people really well in the lift.

2. You'll get plenty of exercise too, as you are forced to select a table at the furthest extremity of the cathedral-sized breakfast room.

3. If you wish to entertain yourself, you can look for soya milk. Then you can give up, and have apple juice on your cornflakes instead. The first day. You may find it easier just not to bother on subsequent occasions.

4. On the first day, you will join the shuffling queue at the mouth of the conveyor belt toaster affair. It will finally be your turn to place your bread on the fiery track then hang around in the heat protectively, in case someone else grabs them when they are spat out at the bottom.

5. On the second day, you will spot the other one round the corner which nobody else seems to use. Result.

6. On the third day you will realise that since parallel processing is much faster than serial, inserting your breads together in portrait orientation rather than consecutively in landscape will afford a processing time saving of at least two seconds.

7. You may be tempted to have scrambled egg on toast. This will almost certainly be a mistake.

8. If you care to, you could undertake a comparison exercise throughout the week. On no two days will the colour and consistency of the scrambled eggs be similar, let alone identical.

9. You may find yourself drawn to the baked beans. This will followed quite quickly by a repulsion. Stirring the crusty dry bits in might help to make things look a bit more palatable.

10. On the way back to your table, you might consider that stirring the horrible bits in means that you get far more of them in your spoonful than if you had, say, carefully spooned the top layer off into a corner of the dish and helped yourself to the uncrusted goodness below.

11. Every morning you will choose to sit at a table next to a sneezer or a cougher.

12. The one time you get to sit close enough to see and hear the plasma TV on the wall, it will be displaying CBeebies and not the Breakfast News.